18. 9:12

Pristine. White marble walls, blooming succulents, tall blond secretaries wearing white pencil skirts with black belts. The machine was well oiled and aesthetically pleasing. From your arrival orange juice to the comfy couch your offered to sit on, the professionalism absorbed you instantly.
Analysis: I wonder if I am picking up on 100% of the themes you are attempting to convey here. There is certainly an element of some sort of perfectionism. I would perhaps eliminate the phrase "your offered to sit on" and leave that sentence as "From your arrival orange juice to the comfy couch, the professionalism absorbed you instantly." Maybe this is an opportunity to expand this sentence into a list for effect. i.e. "From your arrival through silent, automatic doors to the orange juice, the comfy couch, the perfect white carpet, the professionalism absorbed you instantly." Not sure this is better, but a train of thought to consider.

15. 9:15

The acidity
Question: Acidity of the orange juice? dried out my mouth quickly, or was it the stress? It can’t be stress, I’ve done this too many times before. “Anything else I can get you Mr. Hardie?” With a desperate search for a nametag I end with direct eye contact and a confident, “No, I’ll be fine thank you - Scarlett.“
Transformation: A search for a nametag, eye contact, and... "No, I'll be fine thank you Scarlett" Close one. The trick it to be
Analysis: typo, the trick IS to be the best person you can be to those who are seemingly inconsequential to the process. Adopt them as your best friend. I glance at my watch while the camera sweeps to the right of the room, avoiding its gaze as to keep my frustration openly to myself.
Expansion:No matter how many times I do this I still cannot stand the sight of that camera. A final reminder that they know more than you before it becomes certain. Why? If they have everything why do they need this last vestige of an illusion of a thought of a hope that I could somehow avoid the scope of their knowledge.

5. 9:25

I am still confused by this new effect companies use, making you feel comfortable in a busy yet not over powering environment. As the figures move through the glass-I love how real they look.
Question: How real they look? I think I was understanding this well until that line Their interactions distract you from your loneliness, the typical Great Gatsby analogy of being alone in a crowd.
Replace: Perhaps borrow a line from the Great Gatsby here that indicates Gatsby feels alone in a crowded room and leave it as a metaphor for the reader to ponder. In this way I think the reader could still get your intention, but would allow them to conjure an image in their mind which could have more meaning that a literal explanation.

0 9:30

“Mr. Hardie” Scarlett whispers at me through a perfect smile as she bends towards me, “ Dr. Moukeiber is ready for you.” “This way please.” She struts down an ever darkening passage way with her heals
Replace: heels cracking the tiles at a perfect crotchet beat. With a quick pocket check I am off with no need for a second invitation. The winding five-minute walk gives me plenty of time to guess what will be analyzed in Mr. Moukeiber’s interview style. Lets see if the fat cat is rightfully feared.
Question: Why is it righfull that he should be feared? Does he hold some power over people or command a presence?

The office was impressive. Again, clean and sharp just like the lobby. I was surprised; he was certainly small, but not fat. The iceberg of his bald head peaked over the back of his luxury chair-the hovering chair kept in the air by some new scientific discovery, a new CEO favorite. He was aware of our presence but as I expected his absentminded state looking at all the people walking fifty stories below was more interesting and didn’t require a fake smile or shallow conversation. The room was much hotter than the rest of the building, an obvious tactic to make me feel intimidated-his chair probably provided him with an invisible bubble of air-conditioning. With a sigh he spun around and looked at us. More her than me before she spun round and left. Leaving me in the wake of her Chanel.

Then in a blinking transition he turned his gaze to me. After looking my fresh hair cut,
Replace: did you mean to have an "at" here? my new suit and iconic tie he returned his gaze to my eyes. He stretched out his arm and unfolded his hand – still saying nothing.

This was expected as too was my natural response: right hand into left blazer pocket, pull out the remote and while doing so sliding out the USB with my thumb from the bottom. I carefully place both objects in his palm.

With the silence guiding our interaction he slips the USB into the side of the television and leans back in his control.
Question: What do you mean by "his control"? I love and fear this process-how someone holds all of my memories in their hand, the power to delete and view any single second of my life thus far. At the mercy of reality.

“Right, Mr. Hardie – let us see your genuine personality.” He scrolled to the file – Years Down to 5. With a deep inhalation,
Replace: "A deep inhalation" sounds awkward to me because "a deep breath" is such a common cliché he chose the block titled “Loud” by the app. He opened the memory of that Thursday night.

The replay begins as my eyes peak out from behind my bed covers. Their absolute hate for one another had just boiled over. At this point, feeling protective I leaped off the bed leaving my book behind and neglecting the ladder I crashed onto the floor. I sprawled towards the door and saw the white ball rolling down the passage.
Question: What is the white ball? My guess is you either meant to say something like 'my white ball' or I am missing some larger meaning. Its probably the second one. It looked like they were two spiders that where put in a jar together – a battle to the death. Even though their screaming was loud and I remember it scared me at the time, everything felt like it was happening in slow motion, my happy future crumbling right before my eyes. The videos starts to blur as the tears welled. I remember starting to feel cold as the tears soaked my pajamas. I closed my eyes – the video goes black – and my scream is piercing, doing everything in my power to stop this horrific dream instantly.
Analysis: This is amazing. I am picturing a movie where the main character begins to see through the eyes of their five year old self. Their eyes well up an the screen does as well, they blink once to try and clear the tears, but it flashes the main timeline. They close their eyes again and the scene ends, returning to reality.

The brawl had ended and I clearly remember the strong smell of iron, I stood numb looking at the splatter dripping down the white wall. They where both badly hurt and the mosquito net was the evidence. Stained with the bright red blotches the once beautiful net was a painful sight. Her nightgown was torn and her head was bleeding as she limped towards me. He on the other hand lay stunned on the floor next to the net. He was also bleeding from his face. He tried to stand but stumbled to the aid of a chair, as one would have expected if you could have smelt him.

The silence continued as I sat down against the wall. She walked past me towards her room. I stared at him. He looked broken, scared and lost. I could sense that he knew he had failed us and that our lives would be altered forever. He smiled at me and I forced a small one back, I could taste my salty tears. She came back and three a small hide suitcase
Replace: threw not three towards his and said, “Leave.” I whispered my question if he would be gone for long and she smiled again but did not answer.
Analysis: Another opportunity, like in your last piece, to use less words and convey the same message. I think "...whispered my question if he would be gone for long..." is repetitive. You could, for example, say "I whispered 'will he be gone for long?' but she merely smiled again and did not answer." It was a moment when I thought of all our happy moments – swimming, laughing and loving. He walked towards the door, opened it and slid out. He never looked back.
Replace: He walked towards the door and slid out, never looking back. The sound of the door closing, a grinding of metal followed by a clip-in sound, the sound that resembles the last time I ever saw him.

He paused the memory and rubbed his eyes under his glasses. He stood up and walked over to me – looking up he said, “Well Mr. Hardie, where to from here?”

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